Every time I peek at the mommy chat rooms, I wonder: What is making them so anxious? And whatever happened to the time-honored tradition of winging it?
Cheers! It's nice to see someone bucking the trend. It was this way even back in the late 80s when my wife an I had kids. She was 23 and I was 20. Like you we had no peer group. Everyone was 10 to 15 years older. But we went with our gut and somehow our kids survived... even thrived. Here's the other bonus of starting young. I'm 56 and I already have 2 grandchildren. They are the gift that keeps on giving.
"Having my son when I did has given me the unexpected gift of the inability to overthink, to overbuy, to overplan. In doing so, I hope to follow the example of the generations who came before me, who raised resilient kids during tough times, with less gear and more grit."
Beautiful. Blessings to you and your family! And stay away from the mommy blogs/Instagrams, they are the source of too many neuroses/anxiety....
First of all congratulations on having a baby. I have a two and a half year, and hes the best thing to ever happen to me. Weāre trying for our second.
I find it endlessly amusing that women who call themselves dog moms and have a separate insta just for puppy pics will proclaim they have no desire to have kids.... Uhhh.... clearly there's a maternal instinct there, and someone is trying very hard not to see it.
Also, the obsessing over every little detail is people's neurosis coming out. I canāt tell you how many times the RNs at the hospital shamed my wife over breastfeeding. She couldnāt produce, and we used formula. Baby formula has likely saved innumerable infants from starvation. But anyway, so much of it is neurosis. Sure, there are benefits to breastfeeding and there are likely mild benefits to the things these people stress out about. But my son wonāt have a lower IQ when he is 18 because he was formula fed or was introduced to solids two months too early or late. When the fear or anxiety is disproportionate to the potential consequence, youāre looking at a neurosis.
I love this! I had my first son (unplanned) at 22. We got married when I was 4 months pregnant, and we now have 4 beautiful children. Iām 35 now, and my career has been a bit of a struggle but both of us meet the definition of āsuccessfulā. I have a fancy degree from an elite university (we can see how worthless that is now), but when I was pregnant at 22, I faced a lot of discrimination. āWe canāt hire you because youāre pregnant.ā 2x. Then I worked for The New Teacher Project in Philadelphia, and I was told by the director (who is now the COO of a major, urban school district) that āas a mother, youāll never be an effective teacher.ā She said this because I had my mom driving one of the tubes for my breast pump to my school. I was going to miss 5 minutes of a meeting- not classroom time. I cried for weeks. So much for diversity in the workplace?
Iām thrilled I had my babies young, though. It really forced me and my husband to grow up, get smart with money, and focus on whatās important. I feel so blessed to have them. Our house is a mess and my career path is dizzying, but my kids are incredible!!!
I have two kids and had my first baby a month before my 29th birthday, so not young, but not as old as what I typically see in my social circle. In my mom group, all but two of us are on some form of anti-anxiety medication.
I think older moms in particular have an intense need to control and to be perfect. The only way to be perfect, is by trying to control every possible outcome, unforeseen or not. For someone younger who hasn't had the time to shape their life exactly how they want, they can roll with the punches and move forward from challenges more easily. But for someone in their early-late 30's who has been told from a young age to "be successful" through sheer determination of will, and for the many who've achieved success, having a baby is an instant loss of control. You just cannot control an infant, and this is terrifying.
All I know is, being a mom is straight up the best thing I have ever done. While I have had my share of struggles in the perfectionism department with my first daughter, being able to let go has actually taught me more resilience than attempting to cling to a vision of what I want. I wish social media didn't exist because it continues to perpetuate a notion that there IS a right way to mom, and I feel so sorry for all the moms who have bought into this myth.
There's a lot of wisdom in what you write, Liz. Our oldest slept in a padded dresser drawer for a while. It hasn't hindered her at all. What a shame to turn the blessing of having a baby into a source of anxiety, fear, and an unnecessary outlay of dollars.
You speak the truth, young mom. As an older mom, who watched my two sisters have babies in their early 20s. I thought I was doing it the right way. However, if I could do it again, I would've had my daughter when I was much younger. No one told me that my being the primary breadwinner in a prestigious profession would cause such internal angst, bring anxiety into the home trickle down to my daughter. Why were we told that being a mother was such a secondary, insignificant thing to do as a woman? My sisters always seemed so much more relaxed. Much less money, but had great love in their homes..
Married at 22. First at 27. Marched in law school grad with baby when it definitely was not done. Husband carried the same baby at med school grad. Husband and kids and I all grew up together. We had a ball and some really really hard times - SIDS -and all. But we are on the other side and kids are so successful and their babies are so great. Yes I paid a professional price but in the end itās all what matters to you. Have those babies. Itās never a good time. Just do it.
Let humanity celebrate. (Young women with children )Humans are engineered to reproduce starting in the teenage years. Perhaps nature should be allowed to take its course? Perhaps western culture is asking too much of its young women? Should young women not feel compelled to do it all? Should young women not feel a sense of permission to fulfill what nature intended? What if our western educational system, elementary-post graduate is teaching,demanding unhealthy behavior?
Asking women to be warriors? Asking them to deny their natural instincts?
What could go wrong? Could our western culture become unbalanced? Over loaded with anger , anxiety, depression, even hatred?
Brava! Have babies young! Yes! However, I think your reasoning might be a little skewed by your circumstances. Being an older mother doesn't make you a neurotic, ever-optimizing consumer. Living in progressive atheist communities might? I had both babies in my fourties and loved every carefree, high energy minute of it (I have more energy than many at any age). If I had been given a choice I would have had them younger. DO have your babies young yes but more because of the generational aspect (you'll be a young grandmother able to help your own kids) and the health aspect (human bodies were made to reproduce early). I actually think the ideal is for young women to deliver the babies and older women to raise them - hence the importance of having healthy energetic grandmothers around to help. God bless you and your beautiful bub!! (ps mine slept in a drawer for a week but that's another story)
It seems to me that she has figured out what is important to a good life.
I am convinced that we have done young people, and young women in particular, a major disservice by convincing them that they are defined by their career success, that more is better.
We have convinced them that the most important thing they will do is have a successful career. As someone who has a successful career, makes well into 6 figures, put off getting married and having kids until my late 30's and now has a 23 yr old and a 15 yr old at 57, I kinda wish I had done it differently.
1. There is no magic bullet to finding the right spouse. There is no such thing as the perfect person. No matter who you marry or when you marry, you are going to have marital struggles. You can date and dump and marry and divorce as many times as you want but the fact remains that barring anything extreme like drug abuse or violence etc, there is no such thing as a perfect spouse. You are always going to compromise and you are always going to have to work at a relationship. So, marry at 21 or marry at 31, that is not gonna change. You have to choose to be successful in a marriage and you have to have reasonable expectations and you have to work at it.
2. Careers are useful but they are not the point of a life. I tell my very successful and very driven daughter this all the time. Work to live, do not live to work. I swear that my ambition and drive to make so much money did a lot of damage to my marriage and cost me valuable time with my kids. No career, no matter how successful, is going to fulfill you. Your boss and coworkers are not going to think of you fondly and tell their grandchildren about you. No matter how good you are, you are just a cog in the machine outside your home and family. No glass award on your desk will ever be worth missing reading to your son at bed time or missing a science fair. Your boss is not gonna come to the hospital and sit with you if your ill and neither are they going to advocate for you with the doctors. No Thanksgiving with similar friends with wine and candles is going to match the one spent on the couch with your toddler asleep in your lap after watching the Macy's parade.
3. Children are not complicated. In fact, children are easy to please and not that hard to raise well. They do not need a whole lot to grow up well. In fact, I have found that a lot of times parenting is more about putting up guardrails and putting a safety net under them than anything else. They need time, affection and guidance. They need to be given space to grow and explore. No two are alike. There is no formula to raising them. No user manual. A whole lot of who a kid will be is baked in from the start. We need to help them instill self discipline, teach them morals and the basics of caring for themselves and moving in society, after that it is kinda up to them. And giving kids too much of stuff and not enough of time, time reading, time playing, time at the dinner table to talk, is not really a great route to producing a healthy person. I think we could also say that not giving kids siblings and tight family ties may be the worst thing we can do for them.
At 57, with two kids and a very successful career, the nice house, the BMW in the driveway, fancy vacations, I would only wish that I had had at least one more child and that I had been a bit younger when my son was born. I think about that a lot. Just one more child and to have been in my 40's while my son is in his teens.
I'm having a good life. I have no business complaining. But, I do regret emphasizing career so heavily in my 20's and 30's. I do regret the opportunities that cost me.
I sincerely hope that this next generation is smarter about these things.
Thank you!! For putting it all into words. I started with my first at 25 and had my 4th at 36. It has been a long, windy, beautiful, sacrificial, soul-changing road. Worth every single second. With tears in my eyes, thank you.
Love this! I had my first at 22. No amount of preparation can make you ready for a child. I learned quickly that cardboard boxes, margarine container lids, pots, dirt, and wooden spoons were far more entertaining than anything in toys r us. Have kids! Itās the hardest damn thing I ever did and it broke my heart right open. Totally worth it.
Baby & kid's gear is an industry that runs on supplier-induced demand. Parents who don't have a strong support system for parenting are naturally gonna feel insecure about their parenting skills and thus are prime targets for the incessant marketing that this industry does.
I don't think it actually has anything to do with maternal age. It has more to do with the disintegration of what you might call the extended family, people new parents know personallly who can model successful successful parenting.
Yes! Ladies, babies, babies, more babies! When you meet the one, settle into your special relationship, tie the knot, and support each other. Good will come. You need energy for kids and you can have a career and raise a family, you just may not be able to do it at the same time. My friend loves hiring the empty nest moms. Their time management is excellent, so theyāre productive, organized, and donāt fret the little stuff. They get the job done!
Cheers! It's nice to see someone bucking the trend. It was this way even back in the late 80s when my wife an I had kids. She was 23 and I was 20. Like you we had no peer group. Everyone was 10 to 15 years older. But we went with our gut and somehow our kids survived... even thrived. Here's the other bonus of starting young. I'm 56 and I already have 2 grandchildren. They are the gift that keeps on giving.
I work in a labor and delivery unit. Iām going print this out and post it on the lounge wall!
"Having my son when I did has given me the unexpected gift of the inability to overthink, to overbuy, to overplan. In doing so, I hope to follow the example of the generations who came before me, who raised resilient kids during tough times, with less gear and more grit."
Beautiful. Blessings to you and your family! And stay away from the mommy blogs/Instagrams, they are the source of too many neuroses/anxiety....
First of all congratulations on having a baby. I have a two and a half year, and hes the best thing to ever happen to me. Weāre trying for our second.
I find it endlessly amusing that women who call themselves dog moms and have a separate insta just for puppy pics will proclaim they have no desire to have kids.... Uhhh.... clearly there's a maternal instinct there, and someone is trying very hard not to see it.
Also, the obsessing over every little detail is people's neurosis coming out. I canāt tell you how many times the RNs at the hospital shamed my wife over breastfeeding. She couldnāt produce, and we used formula. Baby formula has likely saved innumerable infants from starvation. But anyway, so much of it is neurosis. Sure, there are benefits to breastfeeding and there are likely mild benefits to the things these people stress out about. But my son wonāt have a lower IQ when he is 18 because he was formula fed or was introduced to solids two months too early or late. When the fear or anxiety is disproportionate to the potential consequence, youāre looking at a neurosis.
I love this! I had my first son (unplanned) at 22. We got married when I was 4 months pregnant, and we now have 4 beautiful children. Iām 35 now, and my career has been a bit of a struggle but both of us meet the definition of āsuccessfulā. I have a fancy degree from an elite university (we can see how worthless that is now), but when I was pregnant at 22, I faced a lot of discrimination. āWe canāt hire you because youāre pregnant.ā 2x. Then I worked for The New Teacher Project in Philadelphia, and I was told by the director (who is now the COO of a major, urban school district) that āas a mother, youāll never be an effective teacher.ā She said this because I had my mom driving one of the tubes for my breast pump to my school. I was going to miss 5 minutes of a meeting- not classroom time. I cried for weeks. So much for diversity in the workplace?
Iām thrilled I had my babies young, though. It really forced me and my husband to grow up, get smart with money, and focus on whatās important. I feel so blessed to have them. Our house is a mess and my career path is dizzying, but my kids are incredible!!!
I have two kids and had my first baby a month before my 29th birthday, so not young, but not as old as what I typically see in my social circle. In my mom group, all but two of us are on some form of anti-anxiety medication.
I think older moms in particular have an intense need to control and to be perfect. The only way to be perfect, is by trying to control every possible outcome, unforeseen or not. For someone younger who hasn't had the time to shape their life exactly how they want, they can roll with the punches and move forward from challenges more easily. But for someone in their early-late 30's who has been told from a young age to "be successful" through sheer determination of will, and for the many who've achieved success, having a baby is an instant loss of control. You just cannot control an infant, and this is terrifying.
All I know is, being a mom is straight up the best thing I have ever done. While I have had my share of struggles in the perfectionism department with my first daughter, being able to let go has actually taught me more resilience than attempting to cling to a vision of what I want. I wish social media didn't exist because it continues to perpetuate a notion that there IS a right way to mom, and I feel so sorry for all the moms who have bought into this myth.
There's a lot of wisdom in what you write, Liz. Our oldest slept in a padded dresser drawer for a while. It hasn't hindered her at all. What a shame to turn the blessing of having a baby into a source of anxiety, fear, and an unnecessary outlay of dollars.
You speak the truth, young mom. As an older mom, who watched my two sisters have babies in their early 20s. I thought I was doing it the right way. However, if I could do it again, I would've had my daughter when I was much younger. No one told me that my being the primary breadwinner in a prestigious profession would cause such internal angst, bring anxiety into the home trickle down to my daughter. Why were we told that being a mother was such a secondary, insignificant thing to do as a woman? My sisters always seemed so much more relaxed. Much less money, but had great love in their homes..
Married at 22. First at 27. Marched in law school grad with baby when it definitely was not done. Husband carried the same baby at med school grad. Husband and kids and I all grew up together. We had a ball and some really really hard times - SIDS -and all. But we are on the other side and kids are so successful and their babies are so great. Yes I paid a professional price but in the end itās all what matters to you. Have those babies. Itās never a good time. Just do it.
Let humanity celebrate. (Young women with children )Humans are engineered to reproduce starting in the teenage years. Perhaps nature should be allowed to take its course? Perhaps western culture is asking too much of its young women? Should young women not feel compelled to do it all? Should young women not feel a sense of permission to fulfill what nature intended? What if our western educational system, elementary-post graduate is teaching,demanding unhealthy behavior?
Asking women to be warriors? Asking them to deny their natural instincts?
What could go wrong? Could our western culture become unbalanced? Over loaded with anger , anxiety, depression, even hatred?
Something to think about
Brava! Have babies young! Yes! However, I think your reasoning might be a little skewed by your circumstances. Being an older mother doesn't make you a neurotic, ever-optimizing consumer. Living in progressive atheist communities might? I had both babies in my fourties and loved every carefree, high energy minute of it (I have more energy than many at any age). If I had been given a choice I would have had them younger. DO have your babies young yes but more because of the generational aspect (you'll be a young grandmother able to help your own kids) and the health aspect (human bodies were made to reproduce early). I actually think the ideal is for young women to deliver the babies and older women to raise them - hence the importance of having healthy energetic grandmothers around to help. God bless you and your beautiful bub!! (ps mine slept in a drawer for a week but that's another story)
I have to say that I admire this young woman.
It seems to me that she has figured out what is important to a good life.
I am convinced that we have done young people, and young women in particular, a major disservice by convincing them that they are defined by their career success, that more is better.
We have convinced them that the most important thing they will do is have a successful career. As someone who has a successful career, makes well into 6 figures, put off getting married and having kids until my late 30's and now has a 23 yr old and a 15 yr old at 57, I kinda wish I had done it differently.
1. There is no magic bullet to finding the right spouse. There is no such thing as the perfect person. No matter who you marry or when you marry, you are going to have marital struggles. You can date and dump and marry and divorce as many times as you want but the fact remains that barring anything extreme like drug abuse or violence etc, there is no such thing as a perfect spouse. You are always going to compromise and you are always going to have to work at a relationship. So, marry at 21 or marry at 31, that is not gonna change. You have to choose to be successful in a marriage and you have to have reasonable expectations and you have to work at it.
2. Careers are useful but they are not the point of a life. I tell my very successful and very driven daughter this all the time. Work to live, do not live to work. I swear that my ambition and drive to make so much money did a lot of damage to my marriage and cost me valuable time with my kids. No career, no matter how successful, is going to fulfill you. Your boss and coworkers are not going to think of you fondly and tell their grandchildren about you. No matter how good you are, you are just a cog in the machine outside your home and family. No glass award on your desk will ever be worth missing reading to your son at bed time or missing a science fair. Your boss is not gonna come to the hospital and sit with you if your ill and neither are they going to advocate for you with the doctors. No Thanksgiving with similar friends with wine and candles is going to match the one spent on the couch with your toddler asleep in your lap after watching the Macy's parade.
3. Children are not complicated. In fact, children are easy to please and not that hard to raise well. They do not need a whole lot to grow up well. In fact, I have found that a lot of times parenting is more about putting up guardrails and putting a safety net under them than anything else. They need time, affection and guidance. They need to be given space to grow and explore. No two are alike. There is no formula to raising them. No user manual. A whole lot of who a kid will be is baked in from the start. We need to help them instill self discipline, teach them morals and the basics of caring for themselves and moving in society, after that it is kinda up to them. And giving kids too much of stuff and not enough of time, time reading, time playing, time at the dinner table to talk, is not really a great route to producing a healthy person. I think we could also say that not giving kids siblings and tight family ties may be the worst thing we can do for them.
At 57, with two kids and a very successful career, the nice house, the BMW in the driveway, fancy vacations, I would only wish that I had had at least one more child and that I had been a bit younger when my son was born. I think about that a lot. Just one more child and to have been in my 40's while my son is in his teens.
I'm having a good life. I have no business complaining. But, I do regret emphasizing career so heavily in my 20's and 30's. I do regret the opportunities that cost me.
I sincerely hope that this next generation is smarter about these things.
Thank you!! For putting it all into words. I started with my first at 25 and had my 4th at 36. It has been a long, windy, beautiful, sacrificial, soul-changing road. Worth every single second. With tears in my eyes, thank you.
Love this! I had my first at 22. No amount of preparation can make you ready for a child. I learned quickly that cardboard boxes, margarine container lids, pots, dirt, and wooden spoons were far more entertaining than anything in toys r us. Have kids! Itās the hardest damn thing I ever did and it broke my heart right open. Totally worth it.
Baby & kid's gear is an industry that runs on supplier-induced demand. Parents who don't have a strong support system for parenting are naturally gonna feel insecure about their parenting skills and thus are prime targets for the incessant marketing that this industry does.
I don't think it actually has anything to do with maternal age. It has more to do with the disintegration of what you might call the extended family, people new parents know personallly who can model successful successful parenting.
Yes! Ladies, babies, babies, more babies! When you meet the one, settle into your special relationship, tie the knot, and support each other. Good will come. You need energy for kids and you can have a career and raise a family, you just may not be able to do it at the same time. My friend loves hiring the empty nest moms. Their time management is excellent, so theyāre productive, organized, and donāt fret the little stuff. They get the job done!